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Kilroy Was On Mars

Scientists the world over are shocked at the stunning evidence that Kilroy has already been to Mars.

The latest batch of high resolution imagery of the Martian surface shows details of the Cydonia plateau (the 'face of mars') that had heretofore been just a blur. While NASA still insists that the latest Mars rover was not sent to explore the 'face' at Cydonia, skeptics don't buy their explanation that the multi  million dollar remote controlled rover had gotten lost and happened across Cydonia purely by accident.

The high resolution images received from the rover show two sets of hands, and what appears to be 'kilroy was here' written in the surface using an early mesolithic dialect of English. No explanation for the origins has been released, but there is much speculation. -- Staff

Janitorial Sciences at Yale

Answering the need for graduate level janitors, Yale University has joined the growing list of 'ivy league' colleges to offer the JD or 'Doctorate of Janitorial Science' degree program.

The intensive six year program is designed to provide highly skilled janitors that will be able to pass the Federal Janitorial Administration license exams.  Federal licensure of janitors takes effect in 2007 and requires 500 hours of undergraduate instruction in the field by a certified program and the passage of an exam.  Much like the legal profession when the bar exam was enacted, it is expected the labor rate for janitors to go 'through the roof' once the license requirement takes effect.  Yale reports a three year waiting list for the program has already developed. --Staff

Illinois Loses Death Battle

When convicted murderer Mark Howard was sent to prison ten years ago with a sentence of 'life, with a minimum of 25 years', Illinois citizens thought his case was closed.

To the chagrin of the state corrections department, Howard died during the power outage of August 2003 as the life support equipment keeping him alive the past seven years lost power. 

Howard should have died in 1997 when he was accidentally crushed in a freak accident at the prison.  Since that time his severed head has been on artificial life support so that he can technically serve out the minimum 25 years of his life sentence.

Howards family is in the process of suing the State of Illinois for breach of contract.  They claim that the sentence was a binding contract and provided a guarantee that he would live for at least 25 years from sentencing. 

Currently, the lawsuit is in appellate court, as the state is appealing the verdict from district court which awarded Howards family $35 million in damages.  --Staff

Workers Needed

The melting snow this spring has caused lake levels in Ohios' Lake Piqua to reach record highs, causing fear in land owners that the state will condemn their property as 'wetlands' if certain swamp plants grow near the new water line.

An ambitious project to bring the lake level back to normal is planned for April 10th, when it is expected that 500 able bodied volunteers will drain a foot off the lake using buckets. Environmental laws prohibit any mechanized pumps from being used, so workers will haul the water to a nearby stream for disposal. --Staff

News Archive Highlights:
Two of Ten Commandments Fraudulent
US removes Windows - Military cripled 
Civil Air Patrol gets F-16 jets
Iraq War Plans Lost
Senate Fumigation Endangers Rare Mouse
Make money with Gun Buy Backs
Chia Pets Threaten New Mexico
Pepsi gets 33c stamp
Crop Circles Explained
Tidy Bowl Man Found Alive!
Military Tests Xantham Gum
Geologists clone stones!
SETI competition finally won
American Standard releases version 4.0
Cows unseat dogs as mans best friend




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