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Clinton Pardons McVegh!
Shock spreads across the country with word of the presidential pardon of Timothy McVegh, perpetrator of the bombing of the federal building in Oklahoma City in 1995."I was confused" complained Clinton, "I thought I had punched the hole to give clemency to Web Hubbel, my buddy from Whitewater, but they tell me I pardoned McVegh instead"
. This is the first time in history that there was presidential confusion with the use of the butterfly clemency ballot. Butterfly ballots have been used for years as a means for presidents to denote their choices on a variety of topics. "I suspect the president is having another Coprophagia attack" suggests Dr Lester Nip, presidential internist. "This year has been very bad for Coprophagia attacks amongst democrats, especially in the southern states".
In related news, Timothy McVegh is dead. Within minutes of being freed by presidential pardon, McVegh jumped in the path of a railroad train in an act of suicide. Spokesmen for the president, on hearing of McVeghs suicide commented that the president knew of McVeghs suicide plans and pardoned him in order to save the taxpayers the thousands it would have cost to hold McVegh for his sentence. "Yea, I knew he was gonna do that" commented the president. Media pundits are hailing Clintons
wisdom in the matter and demanding "four more years". |
| | |  Bush Cabinet Completed
President elect Bush proudly showed off his newest cabinet today. Critics argue that his
conservative use of veneer, while using a liberal amount of elbow grease has tended to give the cabinet a rather moderate appearance. It is windely speculated that he is now working on a couple of new committe chairs. Measured drawings of the Bush furniture are available at the New Lone-Star Workshop website, or from the president himself. | | | | NOTE: This site optimized for a green screen monitor. |
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| | | | | | January 1, 2001 issue | | | |
 K-Mart hires Peedy
In an effort to cut down on e-commerce theft, K-Mart has announced that it is hiring Peedy, the Microsoft Agent Avatar to be a virtual greeter at its online store, bluelight.com.
The effectiveness of eye contact with store greeters in reducing shoplifting has been known for years. Recent
studies show that greeters may work also in online stores. Peedy, a talking parrot, is expected to appear next month. While not only greeting visitors to the store homepage, he will be freshening the shopping carts and assisting those with special needs. Reportedly, Wal-Mart is planning on a similar avatar, Smiley to greet customers at that site. |
| | |  Air Bags Recalled
Big three automakers are recalling all vehicles equipped with "Second Generation Airbags" as a result of a class action suit recently settled in Ohio.
"They had some nerve putting used air bags in new vehicles" complained Miles Bymer of Spokane. "When that bag deploys at your face you want to know it is clean, fresh and new-- not something someone else had used". The suit stems from the 1999 death of Alex Rodriguez, who died of HIV that was contracted when his air bag deployed. Rodriquez's car was equipped with air bags that had previously been used in a vehicle belonging to a man who carried HIV, and whose air bag had
deployed and picked up trace amounts of infected saliva. Automakers have claimed that the risk is minimal and that recycling air bags is an environmentally friendly measure. Recalls are to commence in May, see your auto dealer for details . |
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