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NYC To Issue Pistol Licenses

After bitter debate over personal security, NYC officials will start issuing Concealed Pistols Licenses (referred to as "CCW" in the 38 states with such laws) to residents who pass a background check and complete firearm safety training.

"We are finally on an even level with criminals" sighed H.K. Squeezecock, Brooklyn NY resident. "Perhaps the tide is turning in favor of good and honest people".

While HK may be overly optimistic, intense lobbying by the DNC (Defenders of National Criminality, a crime based political action committee) has thrown a few important restrictions into the new law that only apply to honest citizens and not to the criminal element.

Most notable of the restrictions is that each pistol to be used must be encapsulated in a NYC supplied Ingot holster.  When the new CPL licenses are issued, the citizen is to present his firearm to be individually fitted into the solid iron holster. The Ingot holster, normally weighing about 40 pounds guarantees that the pistol will remain concealed throughout the life of the CPL licensee.  Hook loops are provided for attachment of the ingot to the wearers belt.

Lawmakers are skeptical that the ingot holster will not be used as a blunt instrument in itself, and urge criminals to wear head protection.  An amendment to the law is currently in committee that would require the ingots to be painted bright orange and fitted with protective padding.  No provision has yet been made to allow for the removal of the firearm from the ingot holster should the owner move away from NYC or forfeit his CPL.  --Staff

January 1, 2002 issue

Americans
Let It Slide

Results from the Bowflex survey are in and favor the couch potato by an overwhelming majority!

Of the 3.5 million Americans polled, 88% chose "Let it slide" while only 6% decided to "get that body into shape" (the remaining people could not respond while eating).

"This is a great victory for the couch potato" an enthusiastic Ray Walker stated. "It's American to 'Eat, Drink, and be Merry', not to sweat and strain".

Related news... The North Korean Army has ordered 75,000 Ab Energizers for use in prisoner interrogation and obedience.  Apparently, the specially modified Ab Energizers have been fitted with radio receivers so they can be activated remotely.  NK Army officials are concerned about prisoner health and they requested the modifications to the units so that prisoners can exercise at any time, wherever they are on the prison grounds, should a guard determine that a prisoner needs exercise.

Eastern Adds Nudist Class

In a controversial move to enhance security, Eastern Airlines will embark on a nude-only policy on all flights of their Boston-NYC shuttle starting in March.

With the heightened threats since the "Shoe Bomber" episode, and the discovery of explosive laced feminine napkins in an Afghan cave, airline officials charge that the only way to guarantee security is by thoroughly strip searching, probing, and x-raying all passengers.

"We are very concerned for our passengers security and comfort" says Milt Sparks, EAL president. "Our #1 club terminal will be converted to nude-only and contain plush carpet with the heat set to 85".

The airline is also addressing the issue of decorum in flight, requiring all passengers to wear black velvet head bags while disrobed, and remain buckled in their seats with new wrist restraints, in addition to the customary seat belts.

While the airline is presently holding short of taking MRI scans of passengers, they report that CAT scans and blood tests may be performed if a passenger appears suspicious.  --staff

 

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