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Apple Computer Sues Bin Laden

While the next generation of Apple desktop computers has not arrived at retailers yet, the successor to the popular G-6 and G-7 computer lines already has a problem.

With millions already spent on marketing for the new computer, Apple may need to rethink using the name G-Haad for the device, as planned. 

Even though Apple has filed a trademark suit against Osama Bin Laden, for improper use of their trademarked term, executives of the company fear that the term G-Haad may have inadvertently developed a bad perception amongst the public.  With a long drawn out legal battle over the use of  G-Haad expected, Apple is likely to consider alternative names.

The new computer was the brainchild of senior Apple engineer George Haad, of whom the new machine was to be named. The G-Haad computer is to be based on the revolutionary Ismael kernel and feature pharsi-script for advanced processing, along with a beautiful Agar case. --Staff

Colored Cocaine Last Hope for Cartel

With the recent Anthrax scares in the US, sales of Cocaine and Crack has plummeted.

"Everybody fears white powder now" lamented Ricardo Astazzi, runner for Colombian Drug Corp (CDC). "We don't sell any drug-- but everyone sends us powder to test".   Astazzi expects to have problems supporting his drug use if sales do not improve soon.

Relief for declining drug sales may arrive soon, as CDC management has added colored dyes to the latest drug shipments.  These shipments are scheduled to arrive on the streets in the next week or so.  Orange "Halloween Crack" will be the first of the designer colored drugs available.  Christmas red/green mix will also be available soon.

The new colored cocaine and crack will be available for a limited time at a special discount, in hopes users will embrace the new colors and sales return to normal levels.

In related news, water pipe manufacturer BongMaster has announced a special "spore filter" retrofit for it's model HX-5 marijuana/hash bong.  The filter is designed to eliminate harmful biological weapons from the smoke passing through the water pipe.  For more information, contact your nearest BongMaster dealer.

New Grass Never Needs Mowing

The Scotty Grass Company has announced a revolutionary new engineered grass that grows into specific height loops.  The new grass, dubbed "BerberGrass" (TM) will be available this spring in heights from 1" to 3" tall. 

Lawncare experts are heralding this as the beginning of an entirely new era in landscape design. While the grass never needs to be cut, it does need periodic vacuuming.  To coincide with the new grass, the Jon Deere company will be selling a new line of riding vacuum cleaners.  

October 15, 2001 issue

ACLU Calls for Boycott

Citing a sudden rise in political incorrectness throughout the US, the ACLU is calling for an all out boycott of US currency and other items that have reference to the banned word "God".

While falling short of calling for the closing of churches, the ACLU has embarked on a Jihad to rid the US of any reference or association with "God".

"We don't want to seem intolerant of our societies religious and cultural underpinnings", says Howard Botchnik, PC officer of ACLU, "but we just cannot tolerate such references to fundamentals of religion or in free displays of nationalism".

The recent surge in patriotism and religious faith in the US has had a disastrous effect on the 5 year plans of not only the ACLU, but of various other environmental and liberal organizations.   To counter the outbreak, major networks have decided to bleep out the word "God" from all shows, and to prevent the colors of red, white, and blue, from appearing together at the same time on their television signals.  Hollywood will continue to feature patriots and those with religious beliefs to be buffoons and idiots, as usual, but step up violence and sex.

NAEA Banns Flag!

Members of the National Association of Elitist Academics (NAEA), comprised of college professors and teaching professionals throughout the country, has unanimously denounced the heightened patriotism Americans have displayed since the September 11 terrorist attacks.

"We deplore these overt displays of US nationalism" stated William B Rhethric III, dean at SUNY. "We need to focus our thoughts on how, as Americans, we deplete our planet and impose freedom and liberty on others".  Rhethric bemoans that impressionable college students may fall victim to the patriotic slogans and become capitalist pigs, rather than docile and gullible pacifist intellectuals. He fears that the notion of personal responsibility and liberty may regain a position on the student mindset, displacing the notion of government dependence and lock-step adherence to political correctness.

Most NAEA member institutions will be banning the US flag after November 10, which has been declared "burn the flag" day nationwide.  Live coverage at a university near you.  -- Staff

 

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