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Macintosh PowerCube popular with masons

The World Masonic League has declared that the new Apple PowerCube computer as the most revolutionary advancement in construction since the invention of Portland Cement.

Sized to fit in the spot of a "half block", the PoweCube is finding its way into foundations and walls of many modern buildings. "The idea of an internet connected structure is now reality" says Bill Svern, president of the WML. "The phrase 'If walls could speak', is now a reality".

The half block sized PowerCube has been touted as being "rock solid" and the foundation of the computing future.  These terms take on a more literal interpretation in many Portland gardens, where they have become popular additions to retaining walls.

Apple has declined to comment on rumors that a double-PowerCube is nearly ready to debut. Since the inception of the standard PowerCube, pressure has been mounting for a model that conforms to the "standard masonry unit".  Apple has announced that deliveries of their 4' x 8' flat panel displays will commence in the spring.  -- staff

Windows Agent Gets Virus

Owners of HP computers with the Windows Millennium edition have yet another computer virus to worry about.

The Einstein-2 virus specifically attacks Victor, the Einstein like agent that guides users through the system.  The virus, which can take up to a week to incubate, causes Victor to get terribly ill and vomit on the desktop.  He also has trouble speaking and appears to have problems moving about the screen.

Curing the virus is no simple task, as once vomiting begins, it becomes difficult to clean the screen and provide a sanitary environment.

Origin of the Einstein-2 virus has been traced to a mutant frog website and it is spread via spores carried in the corners of emails sent through servers running the "sendmail" program.  A cure for the virus has not been released, users of affected systems are urged to seek shelter and drink plenty of fluids. --staff

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Lexus sued by PETI
PCS Phones are choking hazard

November 15, 2000 issue

Eternal Flame Gets Eternal Fuel Supply

Annapolis, MD-- Millions of recalled Firestone tires have begun to arrive at the US Military Cemetery, destined for use fueling the "eternal flame" at the JFK Memorial.

For years cemetery workers had been gradually cutting back on other services in order to pay for ever increasing fuel costs for the eternal flame that graces the JFK gravesite.

"We would have had an emergency this winter" cited Lt Arthur Wyman. "With fuel costs so high we were going to start auctioning off grave markers to raise cash". 

The tires, which will be arriving steadily over the next five months, will each supply a days worth of flame once shredded.  Military officials expect that this recall should power the flame for about 15 years, after which another recall would be necessary.

Visitors to the JFK Memorial will benefit from the more spectacular flame given off by the burning tires, but will be warned not to venture downwind of the flame, as the fumes may be toxic.  --Staff

Heinz 57 now 256!

Heinz Ketchup, long known for its 57 varieties will soon be available in a full 256 colors.

Since the merger of Heinz with Crayola last March, rumors of additional varieties being added to the ketchup line have repeatedly surfaced.  With names like "Potent Pinky" and "Bodacious Blue", Heinz plans to capitalize on the color craze sweeping the food industry.  No longer will green ketchup be available only on St Patrick's day, but a Red/Green swirl is about to hit the shelves for this years holiday season. 

"We feel food should not be limited to nutrition" commented Paul Myria of Heinz. "The future of food will cross over into fashion, and perhaps even become an educational tool". Heinz is responding to arch rival, Kraft foods, which has announced plans for a line of designer cheeses which impart a subtle tanned appearance to the skin..

Awaiting FDA approval is a plan to again increase the varieties to 512, which includes ketchup that will colorize the fingernails, urine and hair.  -- Staff

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