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Money Laundering Breakthrough

Heralding a new era in money laundering, the Maytag Corporation has announced the revolutionary new Ultimate Reliability line of automatic washers and dryers.

"This will put the laundry industry in a spin" exclaimed Bill Lamear, sales mgr at Jimbo's Appliances. "Think of the time saved by leaving your wallet in your pants while washing".

The new machines feature an exclusive design that makes the greens brighter and the eyes whiter on all paper currency, in addition to returning the "mint-new" sparkle to coinage.  Apparently the process will also remove age spots and wrinkles from drivers license photos, an important side effect that will surely boost sales. 

Look for the new line of appliances to hit dealers this December. -- Staff

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Congress Nixes Oath of Allegiance Bill

HR 304-1, the "Allegiance to America" bill has apparently gone down to defeat at the hands of a few liberal demagogues in the Senate.   Dubbed the "Country First" initiative, the bill desired to make a subtle change to the oath that members of both houses of congress swear to abide by.  The current oath requires legislators to be loyal to their political parties, making no mention of loyalty to their country or constituents.  HR 304-1 would have changed the oath by removing the loyalty to their party and replacing it with loyalty to the country, constitution and their constituents- in that order.

The measure was shot down in a straight party-line vote in the Senate after a heated debate by senators who felt offended at the notion of loyalty to the constitution, let alone the country.

In related news, the new "Ying-Yang" backdrop for the Senate chamber was installed today, ending the historic era when the US flag proudly hung behind the leaders seat.  This was applauded by many who felt the Red-White-Blue color scheme to be quite offensive and gaudy.  The sequin covered gold/Orange/Burgundy ying-yang was a gift to the Senate from Hsu Kitt of North Korea, who spearheaded the campaign to remove the unsightly red-white-blue flag from the chamber. --Staff

November 15, 2001 issue

Bio-Terror Postal Rate Announced

In a move to cut cleaning costs at postal facilities, the USPS today announced a special rate for Bio-Terror related letters and packages.   Bio-Terror class letters and parcels will now qualify for a 2 cent "flat rate", regardless of weight or destination. Special plastic envelopes will soon be available at post offices for use with the new postal class.

"We hope that terrorists will take advantage of the reduced cost to ship their weapons this new way" stated H. K. Squeezecock of the USPS. "No longer does the sender have to worry about the potency of their attack being reduced by harsh handling in automated sorters, each Bio-Terror class article will receive individual treatment by a postal employee".

Reportedly, delivery times to the FBI for Bio-Terror mail will be sped up tenfold with this new method of handling. Postal authorities are enthusiastic that it will reduce the amount of time Bio-Terror items are held within the system, and will also reduce the need for hourly fumigation and extensive equipment cleanings. --Staff

GO-STOP Switch Well Received

While automotive industry analysts doubted that the public would respond favorably to the replacement of the ubiquitous accelerator and brake pedals with an inexpensive "GO-STOP" switch, sales of cars so equipped have been brisk.

"We put many hours of research into driving habits" cited Ahmed Patel of GM. "American drivers typically either push the accelerator or the brake full to the floor during normal driving, rarely anything in between".

Drivers have praised the system as being easier to use than fumbling around with their feet. Automotive anthropologists have noted that with the added burden of cellphones, CD players, GPS and other onboard electronics, drivers have less time to concentrate on selecting varying amounts of power or braking.  By having the car operate in either full power acceleration, or full lock stopping, the distraction caused by having to choose amongst a wide range of power or braking is avoided.   Other auto manufacturers are expected to have similar systems within the next two years. -- Staff

 

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