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Cloning Debate Rages

While much of the world marvels at the cloning of humans, Congress is hotly debating how to regulate the burgeoning cloning industry.

"I wish we had more bi-partisanship, but they just won't see things our way" lamented Dem whip Albert Kayda.  "Everyone knows minority clones are more valuable-- it's just the law of supply and demand".

The two sides cannot seem to find agreement on which gene pools to tap for the cloned humans. Democrats want to use cloning as a way to eliminate ethnic minorities.  Republicans cite that the natural ethnic balance should not be tampered with, and counter that if the Democrats get their way, the only humans cloned would be genetically predisposed to hold liberal Democrat beliefs, creating an unfair advantage in future elections and bankrupting Medicaid.

Both sides do agree that only nonsmokers should be cloned, though they part ways on whether smoking mutations should be executed.  Scientists expect about 2% of clones to be smokers.  More details as they are available.  -- Staff

Mother Nature Speaks

While geologists had long thought that mother nature lost the ability to speak as a sideffect of PMS, her recent vocalizations have been cause for surprise.

"I guess this means our theories on Mother Goose are wrong too" said Dr Lay Hee of the NHC. "This changes everything".

Ms Natures proclamation of approval for the Oxi-Clean cleaning solution was a notable change from her usual seasonal expressions of anger and glee.  Sales of Oxi-Clean have "shot through the roof" as people attempt to avoid the angst of Mother Nature. --Staff

December 1, 2001 issue

Tidy-Bowl Man Found
Missing for over fifteen years, and presumed dead, the Tidy Bowl man has finally been found and he his alive.

"It was pretty rough paddling at first" cites Wilbert Fresco. "But once I found the lagoon I was in paradise".

Fresco, who was known to the world for many years as the "Tidy Bowl Man" paddled a rowboat in toilets nationwide, had been accidentally flushed when shooting a commercial in 1984.  After an unsuccessful six month manhunt he was presumed dead.

Thanks to Dave Bowels of the Tucson Water Works, who happened across Fresco while inspecting a valve in sewage lagoon #2, for rescuing the missing seaman.  "I always wondered why lagoon #2 was so much cleaner than the others" commented Bowels. "Now I know, and I'm glad to see the Tidy Bowl man again".

Fresco plans to return to his normal duty of cleaning and disinfecting residential toilet bowls as soon as his rowboat is updated to current OSHA requirements, now required due to the dangers of modern "power flush" toilet designs.  Look for Wilbert in your bowl this spring.  -- Staff

Flatulation Banned in LA

The Los Angeles City Sheriff has served up the first indictment of "Felony Flatulation" to Roberto Gonzales of West LA.

"I can't believe this" said Gonzales, "I guess they will outlaw breathing next".

Gonzales is alleged to have broken a two year old ban on human flatulation (outgassing) that was enacted as part of the California Clean Air act of 1999. Under the law, observed flatulation (in public or private) is considered a class-A biological threat, putting it in the same class as airborne Anthrax and Sarin gas. Flatus gas is explosive and highly combustible in addition to being a nuisance.

Apparently, a neighbor of Gonzales complained that he could smell the flatulence from his home about 300 yards away.  Sheriffs deputies investigated and found evidence of flatus gas in Gonzales home three hours after the complaint was filed.  Hazmat teams were dispatched to clean the area while the police officers who responded to the complaint were hospitalized for inhalation of flatus. None of the residents of neighboring homes were required to evacuate, but they were advised to stay indoors for 12 hours.

Gonzales is claiming innocence in the charge and cites that the illegal gaseous discharge must be the results of defective chilli beans.  A lawsuit with Hormel foods has been initiated. Gonzales faces up to 30 years in prison for the charge. --Staff

 

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