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Military Beefing Up


With the prospects of war looming, the US military is amidst a campaign to expand the troops.

"Maximizing troop size is a high priority", cited Cpl. Rick Beas of WTF. "Our main concern is not triggering an IBS reaction ."

While the Pentagon is carefully watching the Iraqi Bureau of Soldiers for a corresponding fattening of its forces, it is IBS, or Irritable Bowel Syndrome amongst our troops that causes the most concern.   Thousands of troops are reported to have developed IBS, in response to the expansion effort. The real danger IBS has for the military is that the gases emitted from the flatulation are not only toxic, but explosive and tend to spontaneously combust, wreaking damage and mayhem.

Military nutritionists are quick to point out that the primary method for troop expansion, the ingestion of near lethal quantities of  chilli, is the culprit.  An amusing bout of finger pointing between the American Beef Board and the Bean Producers of America over whether it is the beef or the beans causing the IBS has ensued.

Congressional environmentalists are threatening restrictions on the military diet as the excess methane gas emissions from soldiers exceeds the allowable limit.  The military response has been to classify these emissions as part of a new means to fuel the war machine, which would exempt soldier emissions from environmental pollution laws.  News of a rumored "flatus gun" is scarce, but prototypes have apparently been successfully tested. --Staff

Burger Exports Halted

The cattle industry is crying foul as meat exports to Canada and Mexico are held up at customs inspection points.

Drug and explosive sniffing dogs, now used to inspect all international cargo, are having a tough time getting past shipments of beef goods without wanting to test the contents in detail.  Inspections of shipments that formerly took 10 minutes now takes upwards of a day, with a considerable amount of cargo loss to dog consumption.  Beef exporters are rightfully furious, while the handlers of the inspection dogs are pleased as the dogs enjoy inspecting the trailer loads of beef. 

Customs officials are not commenting on the rumored use of two year old children in the inspection of toy shipments.  --Staff

December 15, 2002 issue

Straight Answer Penalty Increased

Thanks to a direct and succinct answer to a reporters question on December 5, Donald Rumsfeld is responsible for the emergency legislation to increase the straight answer penalty to $40,000 per utterance.

For years pundits had lamented that the penalty for honest and straightforward responses to questions was too low, and would ultimately prove problematic.   Fears that the general public would understand WashingtonSpeak caused congress to enact the legislation prohibiting "honest and to the point" answers by public officials back in 1952. 

Legislators, fearing that Rumsfelds remarks might start a groundswell of straight answers, quickly squashed the notion with their unanimous support of the stricter penalty.

When called on the carpet regarding his answers, Rumsfeld only said "no comment", at which, he was served notification of being in violation-- as the statement "no comment" was direct and to the point.  When asked how he felt about being the first to have to pay the hefty fine, Rumsfeld read a passage from Brahms Fairy Tales.

Cereal Killer Gets Breakfast

To many, Anne Meloski appears to be an average pre-teen, but to her cereal, she's a killer.

"I didn't know" cited Ms Meloski, "Nobody said it was bad".

Pleading ignorance doesn't exonerate anyone from being a cereal killer-- The act of ingesting thousands of innocent calories, many biased heavily toward sugar, is an evil all its own.

Citizens Against Eating (CAE) has published a pamphlet entitled "Killers in the Kitchen" and supports the notion that a short life, free of eating, is the natural way of nature.   The pamphlet lists all 45,600 edible items that humans eat and cross references the unhealthy effects that each one can cause. "There's something bad with everything we eat" reports M Michael Furlong, president of CAE.

Watch for the government funded CAE public service announcements this spring.  -- Staff

Midnight Oil Banned

Residents of Loma Linda California will be better rested now that a ban on the use of midnight oil has been approved by the city council.

Council members overwhelmingly decided that residents needed to get to bed no later than 9pm in order to get adequate rest.  "We're only doing this for their own good" remarked Liz Groth, councilwoman. "People need to be protected from themselves for their own good".

While the new law has no exclusions for police, emergency and utility workers, part of the legislation calls for stiff penalties for burglars and other criminals who might desire to take advantage of the hours without police protection in the community.  Penalties for common burglaries will double after 9pm, to six months maximum. Those found guilty of violating the 9pm curfew and not getting the designated rest will face a minimum 10 year prison sentence, even on the first offense.  -- Staff




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