Santa to Retire
Sad news for the worlds children was announced today by the North Pole News Service as Santa Claus reportedly will retire after this Christmas season.
Citing the high cost of replacing non-Y2K compliant software and systems in his
polar workshop, Santa will call it quits just before the turn of the millennium.
Apache Backhoe unveiled by USAF
The newest weapon in the arsenal for military engineers is the merging of the backhoe and the helicopter. The new AH7B will become the "swiss army-knife" of airborne weapon systems. Equipped not only with high impact gunnery, the new AH7B has two "three point mounts" which can be outfitted with construction grade
backhoes, post hole augers, log splitters and a host of other highly desirable battlefield implements.
"This revolutionizes our advance field preparation" commented Gen Brad Ohmarr. "We now will be able to clear a landing strip without having to send in ground troops first".
Northrop Aviation, maker of the Apache reports that the success of the AH7A Apache Jackhammer has spurred the development of the backhoe model, and many other variants soon to be announced. The companies partnership
with John Deere, initiated last year, is starting to bear fruit.
December 15, 1999 issue
Mars Polar Lander Found!
For residents of Guyra NSW Australia, the unidentified object that ploughed through the bulrushes near the Armidale river December 8 and then started digging up the local riverbed didn't seem too unusual. Similar strange devices have dropped from the sky and probed the riverside, formerly a toxic
"We thought it was just another research project from the [nearby] Caterpillar plant" said Bill Nemoirs, a local resident. For the past two years three similar devices have landed near the river. "They would scoop up some dirt and then plant a sign saying something about the US and the solar system" reports Nemoirs. "We knew this one was different when the sign made reference to Mars".
Scientists at the JPL were surprised to learn how
similar the terrain of the Armidale river is to that of Mars, and are glad that the lander has not been lost. A technician is being dispatched to Australia to repair the damaged transmitter on the lander that prevents its data from being retrieved at JPL headquarters.
Rubber band theory presented for peer review
Helsinki Finland - A new theory about the source of the universe was unveiled today in Helsinki. Dr. Joe Smith, BS, PHD, AS, SH, OLE of the Helsinki institute
presented his paper on Rubber Band Theory. His theory is loosely based on Dr. Kaku's string theory. " Dr. Kaku's theory of strings that hold everything together in 10 or more dimensions is fine as a start" Dr. Smith said during the peer review press conference " but it was not flexible enough to provide for the instability of 4th and 7th dimension and not strong enough to account for the apparent weight of the 10th dimension."
Dr. Smith's paper was blasted by Dr. Kaku as being impossible and untraceable. Although, Dr. Kaku was unable to explain what he meant by "untraceable". ( we at get odd think he used too thick paper ) Dr. Kaku is now going back to NY University to work on the Super string theory or maybe the rope theory. –Staff