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Geologists Clone Stones!

In a breakthrough with massive implications, research scientists at Methodist University have successfully cloned a rose-quartz pebble.

"This is just the beginning" stated Dr Frank Gustav, MU Clonemaster. "We hope to be able to clone entire stone structures in a few years".

Researchers had theorized about the possibility of the large scale cloning of buildings, bridges, and other structures, but until now cloning was limited to living organisms and not inanimate objects.

In related news, Daimler Chrysler has announced it is laying off 1/5th of its workforce in response to this breakthrough in cloning technology.  Chrysler has been a principal research partner in cloning and plans to utilize the technology in automobile manufacturing.  Though at present, cloning takes longer to complete, Chrysler cites uniformity of defects to be a major benefit of cloning over other manufacturing methods.

Ground Hog Day
The true meaning of ground hog day has been misrepresented in the Americas. 
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Farming on Jupiter?

Evidence of large scale agricultural development on Jupter is the latest news from astronomers at the JPL.(click photo for larger)

The large spots on Jupiter have been a mystery to scientists for centuries. Thanks to the new filters in Adobe Photoshop 6 (launched this fall), images of the surface haze covering the spots on Jupiter can be cleared away and scientists are now able to clearly see the makeup of the spots.

"There appears to be large scale irrigation" says Phil Meckler, JPL spokesman. "The scene is much like that of western Nebraska".

After the startling discovery, images obtained from a recent fly-by were put through similar filtering which yielded concurring results.  Scientists have yet to identify the crops being grown, however.  -- Staff.

February 1, 2001 issue

Delays in Piezo Power Blamed for California Power Woes.

State regulators, eager to find the cause for the power shortages in California have determined that the lack of efficient piezo power is to blame.

Left- piezo generator along former street in downtown San Francisco.

Piezo power generates power by the pressure of the tectonic plates as they grind against each other. Earthquake prone California is blessed with a natural abundance of clean and efficient piezo power.

"All our projections were based on expert predictions of massive earthquakes along the San Andreas Fault" says Bill Isaacson, spokesman for PG&E. "Nearly all of Nostradamus' other predictions came true".

PG&E had completed a massive piezo generator along fault lines in the north half of the state but due to low geologic activity, has yet to generate any power with the system.

"When the big one (earthquake) hits San Francisco it will generate enough juice to keep Los Angeles lit for a week" commented Bill Andersen, designer of the system and longtime earthquake spotter.

With the dismal results of the piezo generating system, state regulators are pressuring the utility to divert more funds to the Santa Anna project.

The Santa Anna project, long hailed as the best way to power northern California, consists of a series of wind generators built along the coastline near Malibu and designed to harvest the ferocious winds caused during the springtime firestorms in that region.  During firestorms, winds can reach in excess of 300 mph-- which can generate abundant electrical power. PG&E officials are doubtful of the merits of the Santa Anna generators due to the highly trained and efficient firefightning personel in the area. -- Staff

More on the California Power Crisis...

SPECIAL WARNING:

Health authorities are warning customers who had prescriptions filled at any Rite-Aid Pharmacy during the past six months to be on the lookout for symptoms of slowness, cursory wandering, and sudden restarts.
If you experience any of these symptoms, please see your doctor immediately.

In June it was discovered that the "happy-2000" virus had infected the Rite-Aid computer system.  There have been numerous cases reported  where it has spread to some of the pharmaceuticals sold to customers. So far, there have been  no cases of fatal exception, but CDC doctors have not ruled out the possibility of that.

Symantec promises to have an injectable version of Dr Nortons Anti-Virus serum available nationwide within the month.  Anyone suspecting that they have been exposed should see their doctor.

 

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