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Giuliani Leads Ground Hog Parade

Amidst a flurry of controversy, former NYC Mayor Giuliani steadfastly defends his roll as the grand marshal of the 2002 NY Ground Hog Day Parade.

"Everyone knows that hog should be ground into sausage and not sliced into bacon" cited Giuliani. "The bacon lobby is just plain wrong".

The annual Ground Hog Day Parade, normally a festive event celebrating the pork sausage, has been mired by protests since the bacon lobby launched the highly popular "I smell bacon" media campaign this past fall.  The bacon supporters have had unusual success in that they were able to squash similar parades in six other cities.

The rivalry between the bacon vs sausage camps goes back to 1876 when the bacon group started promoting the celebration of the woodchuck in hopes of confusing the public as to the true meaning of ground hog day.  By 1923 most of the country falsely believed that ground hog day was meant to celebrate the furry woodchuck, an immense win for the bacon group.  Sausage lovers have yet to recover from this loss.  --Staff

Heinz 57 Ordered To Reduce

A Federal Trade Commission judge has ruled that Heinz 57 must reduce its varieties by three in order to comply with truth in advertising laws.

"Fifty Seven is Fifty Seven, not Sixty" exhorted judge Johan Stef of the FTC. "Can't you guys count?" he added in a heated lecture to the president of Heinz.

Heinz 57 has agreed to abide by the ruling, but has not yet announced which of their 60 varieties will be cut. They have sixty days to reduce varieties or face federal penalties.

In related news, the FTC will commence the Baskin Robbins case when it convenes after the Valentines day recess. --Staff

February 1, 2002 issue

West Virginia - State of the Union Surprise

When President George Bush announced that West Virginia was this years State of the Union it took many by surprise.

"I had it 15 to 1 to be Georgia" said Mike Tallbot, bookmaker in Reno NV. "Who ever heard of West Virginia anyway!".

While Ohio was the popular favorite for this years title, many thought it might go to New Mexico, as a gesture of goodwill to Mexican President Alberto Rohas who is considering construction of a Mexican Army base there as part of NAFTA.

Even though this years ceremony is barely over, oddsmakers are pondering that Pennsylvania may be the choice for the 2003 State of the Union.  Wagering is expected to reach record highs for next years address.  -- Staff

California Lottery Posts Record Profits

For the first time in its history the California Lottery Commission has reported an annual profit in excess of 156 Billion.

"The state coffers are secure" noted Dr Bill Box, legislator from LA's 3rd district. "We can keep our cats good and fat now".

During 2001 the state lottery embarked on a revolutionary plan to pick all the winning lottery numbers at one time, saving the enormous expenses associated with daily picks.  Additionally, the algorithm used to pick the numbers was changed so that the winning numbers were impossible to attain without using mechanized methods, thus reducing the win ratio to zero.  In order to avoid the appearance of impropriety, certain members of the state legislature were given access to the winning number list so that the public would not be suspicious when there were no winners during the year.

The California lottery has been watched closely by other states looking to increase lottery income and is expected to spread nationwide over the next two years.  -- Albert Kayda

Clinton Hires Andersen

Accountants at Arthur Anderson can breathe a sigh of relief.  Instead of losing all their clients in the wake of the Enron fiasco, the company is having to turn away all but the most lucrative of contracts.

"Everyone wants an accouting firm with dual book experience" noted Axel Lamoo, CPA at Anderson.

Most notable of the new customers is former president Clinton.  Anderson is arranging for the transport of the former presidents documents to the new Clinton Library (photo above).  -- Staff




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