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Chrysler Retro Carriage

Continuing to be the leader in "retro" vehicles, Chrysler has just announced a new horse drawn carriage to join their line with the 2003 model year.

Named the "Legacy", the carriage will be available in both a single and dual horse model, with optional hitches allowing cattle to pull the vehicle. Available colors are Black and very dark grey, yellow wheels are optional.

While the automakers venture into the horse drawn market may seem a surprise to many, it is primarily due to the loss of a lawsuit by the ACLU and the Pennsylvania Amish Community relating to insensitivity and defamation in a recent Chrysler television commercial.  The Chrysler commercial depicted an Amish sneaking a drive in a Chrysler vehicle, illegal by Amish law. 

The judgment against Chrysler requires them to manufacture Amish-legal horse drawn carriages for at least 10 years.   Monetary payments to Amish are also part of the settlement, but have not been made public.

Available at your dealer this fall.   --Staff

DoughBoy Lowers Cholesterol

The Pillsbury Dough Boy has signed a six year contract with Merck Pharmacia to be the spokesperson for their Statin line of cholesterol lowering drugs.

Having successfully recovered from a heart attack and subsequent bypass surgery in 1998, the Dough Boy has religiously monitored his cholesterol and managed to lower it substantially.  With the lowered cholesterol, the Dough Boy has returned to work with Pillsbury after a four year medical hiatus.  

Referring to his charitable sponsorship of the drugs Dough stated, "I felt I must give back, Merck's Statin pills have given me back my cheerful giggle". 

Dough's doctors had feared the boy would never return to his work at Pillsbury.  He had dropped into depression and anxiety for nearly two years, and was at one case falsely diagnosed as bipolar.  Apparently  his high cholesterol, which had reached 750, was the problem. Some had even reported that he had died, but these were proven false.--More info at your local grocer

March 15, 2002 issue

Iraqi Annexation?

The citizens of Iraq are one step closer to being able to vote to become the 51st US State as the US Senate has just passed a bill that would call for public elections in Iraq.

"It's a huge victory for human rights" cited Sen Roskowsky (D), bill co-sponsor. "Just think of the opportunity to register all those new voters for our party".

The bill would provide for a vote to be held in June, with a state designation of IQ should the citizens decide to join the US.

In related news:   Hot debate has ensued in congress regarding changing the name of the USA.  With federal regulations rendering state governments redundant, and the possibility of Iraq (amongst others) joining our country, the term "United States of America" may be woefully inadequate.  At press time, the name leading in debate is "United World".  Debate is expected to continue for months, and a media blackout has been called by congress as focus groups have determined it is unpopular. --Staff

CRT Pollution Criminalized

Residents of Oakland California must now position their televisions and computer monitors so that they cannot be viewed from outside their homes due to a new law enacted in the city.

"I am so offended seeing all those bright screens" cited Oakland resident Catherine Zambui. "My evening strolls have become stressful-- you never know what you'll see on them, what if I walked my 3yr old passed a house with pornography on screen?".

Zambui isn't alone in her offense to publicly viewable TV's and computers, a growing number of municipal leaders have received complaints.  Laws to restrict the visibility of electronic displays are on the docket in at least seventeen localities across the country.

The law in Oakland requires that any electronic display device not be viewable from outside the home without a special variance from the zoning board. Failure to comply results in fines up to $5000, and confiscation of the display.

In related news: HR 304, the "Anti Red Sock" bill has made it through committee and is expected to pass the US House May.  This is the law that prohibits the wearing or display of red stockings except during the week between Christmas and New Years.   --Staff

Animal Rights Activists Confound Chinese

What was supposed to have been a three day protest at the site of the Three Gorges Dam on the Yang-Tse river in China has proven to be quite a surprise for a group of California based activists.

"They just looked at us as if we were kooks" exclaimed Caroline Winifred, Chairperson for the Fresno chapter of Animals First. "Good Eats, was all they would say when we told them of the plight of the Yang-Tse Cleft-foot Otter".

Apparently language and cultural difficulties plagued the groups visit to China.  In Hai-Noon, where they staged a rally to protest the destruction of the endangered Cleft-foot Otter habitat by the new dam, residents thought they were hungry and prepared a feast of stuffed Cleft-foot Otters for their American guests.  Similar reaction was had by the villagers in neighboring towns, much to the aghast of the activists.

Government officials, concerned that the Americans might have had cranial injury enroute to China, provided the protesters with a week of the finest mental conditioning available.  They also assured the Americans that any Otters lacking habitat after the dam is completed would make "Good Eats" for the townspeople along the river.

As a gesture of generosity, Gen Tsao, leader of the dam project, provided the group with a dinner of boiled Spotted Owl before they departed the infirmary for the journey back to America.  Many in the group, sporting a fresh mental perspective, noted that both the Otter and Owls had a chicken like taste that was best described as  "Good Eats".

Animals First has six more protests planned in China for this summer. --Staff.

 

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