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US flag US Census questioned

For many who received the US Census questionnaire, the question is not about the personal questions asked but about the laim reward for returning the form.

"We don't want more classrooms" complained Bert Long of Islip, NY. "We need more ball fields and band uniforms".

Cyrus Lake of Denver added "I don't respond to any survey unless it says I already won".

"What can I do with a classroom? - what I need is a new car!" added Millie from Minneapolis.

Census officials declined to comment on the increasing public demand for more enticing prizes, but did explain that they had contemplated offering free condoms and gun locks for those returning the forms.

aol logoAOL offers 500 hours free

In increasing to 500 the hours given new subscribers, internet provider America Online has fallen short of a company goal of 1000.

"Time compression will allow us to break the theoretical 720 hour [per month] maximum" says James Kass, senior AOL programmer. "Our compression algorithm is nearly bug free but we still need more time". Programmers have been able to speed up development of the algorithm by using components of it during the process.

"We still have to provide compatibility for the New York Minute" said Kass, in recognizing that time passes differently when near the Big Apple. AOL is expected to release the 1000 hour incentive before years end.

Half filled cup50% is exactly half

Progress has been made in the scientific study to determine whether 50% denotes being "half full" or "half empty".

WHO regulators announced Friday that "50% is exactly half". The historic declaration, the result of six years of research, is considered the breakthrough that may lead to the final resolution of the age old question.

News Archive Highlights:
US removes Windows - Military cripled 
Y2K Inventor Found
Make money with Gun Buy Backs
Chia Pets Threaten New Mexico
Metric Time comes to US
Crop Circles Explained
National Forests to be Clear Cut
Army drops BASIC training
Windows unstable in space
Mars Polar Lander is found

Lexus sued by PETI
PCS Phones are choking hazard

April 1, 2000 issue

sunriseMore Daylight Expected

Scientists at the National Bureau of Standards have determined that since March 20, the number of hours of daylight in the US has been gradually increasing.

"We have yet to ascertain the long term effect to the environment" says Dr Richard Cranium, the researcher who discovered the anomaly. "Certainly we would expect that more daylight would raise temperatures here", he added.

While originally skeptical, scientists at the British Naval Observatory have also noted a measurable increase in daylight hours in the past week.  At present, there has been no link found between the added daylight and ozone levels in the atmosphere.  Researchers are, however, investigating whether hydrocarbon emissions are related.

zzzzzzSleep Day April 3

Monday April 3 is Global Sleep Day, in recognition of the worlds most popular pastime-- sleep.

The celebration features an hour long "sleep in" at 2pm local time.  For those who also snore, an additional fifteen minutes can be added.

Participants can check into the official Sleep Day website at www.legitimate.org/sleep for more information and to enter in a contest to win a fabulous dream.

Windows logoBroken Windows

With the Microsoft antitrust case nearing conclusion, the consequences of a Windows factory breakup are source for concern.

Even though every Windows shipped includes a [blue] screen, how consumers would react to a world in which they had to assemble their Windows from a kit of parts from various sources is unknown. Pundits fear that even though a kit of Windows components may ultimately be less expensive, that manufacturing tolerances coupled with loose fitting parts and rough edges may ultimately lead to more hairline cracks and scratched desktops than the public can tolerate.

sunflowerSunflower Domesticated

Herbologists in Denmark have reduced the ranks of the wild flower species by successfully breeding a domesticated version of sunflower.  Dr Lute Norde of the DIH credits repetitive positive reinforcement as the technique that allowed him to break the will of the wild sunflower. "It's hard for anything to be wild when you're tied to a stiff pole all day" says Norde. "Six feet of 1/2 inch rebar tied to the plant every six inches should domesticate any plant".

Dr Norde plans to expand his domestication efforts to other species and ponders possibly applying the technique in the penal system.

 

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