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Chinese Provide Army with Hi-Tech Headgear

Our Mainland Chinese friends are providing the US military with an unbeatable deal on new headgear for our soldiers.

Not only will the new black berets be made using 100% slave labor (world renowned), but they will include global soldier tracking/communications capabilities at no additional charge.
Read the full story...

Hainan Island Infested By Plane Eating Bacteria

US military officials are worried that if the Chinese do not allow the return of the EP3 Spy Plane soon, there may not be any plane left to return. Satellite imagery shows a strange growth engulfing the side of the craft.

The returning crew of the plane reported that as of last Wednesday about 25% of the aircraft had been engulfed by the GOO-k1 bacterium.  Traces of GOO-k1 were found in the uniforms of all the returning detainees.  GOO-k1 is known to disassemble and consume military aircraft at an alarming rate.

Pentagon scientists estimate that the entire EP-3 aircraft could be completely consumed within the next two weeks, if the bacteria continues at the current rate.  There is no known antidote for GOO-k1 infestation, and it appears that Hainan, where the EP-3 landed, was originally a Chinese biological warfare laboratory until a fateful accident last October unleashed the GOO bacteria into the local ecosystem. The Chinese military had quarantined the island in hopes of containing the bacterium. The US servicemen were the first people to leave since the bacterium was discovered.

Officials at the Hickam AFB are concerned, as there has already been damage reported to various aircraft at the Hawaiian base that is attributable to GOO-k1. Pentagon officials are debating whether to send the 24 us servicemen back to the Chinese island in an effort to stem the spread of the bacterium. 

Spanish-American War Tax Going Up

In a few months the SAW tax that appears in peoples phone bills will nearly double due to a tax increase included in the recently passed postal appropriations bill.

In 1845 congress enacted the Spanish-American war tax in order to fund our next war with Spain. At that time it was expected that the war budget would be fully funded by 1890, but due to inflation, the fund has never reached the level at which we could declare the beginning of the war.

Part of the Bush "get things done" initiative is to increase the funding for the war so that we can go to battle and get it over with. The government of Spain has been waiting for the war to begin for decades and is growing impatient with US delays.

Since 1955, the tax has been collected as a federal tax on telephone bills.  At the new rate, which takes effect in June, the war is expected to be fully funded by January, and battle could then be started.  For more information, visit the Spanish-American War website.

April 15, 2001 issue

Census Undercounts Alzheimers Sufferers

In a startling report today, the USCB announced that in a survey of americans suffering from Alzheimers disease that 98% do not remember filling out their census forms.

"The Alzheimers undercount casts a cloud of doubt over the entire census" stated M. David Lebee, president for the Full Count Initiative, a counting activist group in Illinois. "I guess that millions have gone uncounted-- we should throw the whole thing out".

Census takers, by and large, take issue with the report and cite that most people suffering from Alzheimers have filled out three or more census forms before census workers catch the duplicates. Evidently, once a duplicate entry gets into the census data it cannot be removed.

The Census reports that there are MEMORY-ERR people suffering from Alzheimers in the US.  --Staff

Seat Belts Outlawed in Seattle

Lawmakers in Seattle have taken the first steps to solve the nationwide shortage of organ transplant donors by making the use of automotive safety belts illegal in the city.

Medical professionals have bemoaned the growing shortage of transplantable organs from organ donors over the years since mandatory seat belt use had been put in force. Operating room brawls (as seen at left) are routine as surgeons fight over which doctors patient will receive a donated organ.

The organ shortage has gotten more critical now that it is no longer legal for doctors to use organs taken from genetically modified pigs, monkeys, or ferrets  (xenotransplantation) to make up for the organ deficit. 

Animal rights activists, recently pushing legislation through congress, have effectively banned such animal transplants within the US.  While members of PEETA have agreed to act as living organ donors (in place of the animals) and to operate human "fetus farms", Seattle has decided that the best approach was to increase serious auto related deaths (and thus donor organs) by outlawing seat belt use.

In Related news....
Medical professionals in California report that for the first time in over ten years the organ donation system is not operating at a shortage-- even without animal donors.

The recent California energy crisis and its rolling blackouts have caused a dramatic increase in fatal auto accidents, thus adding to the pool of donor organs.  The state medical board is petitioning the legislature to increase the number of blackouts to assist the states burgeoning organ export industry.

Visit our California Energy Crisis page for more on this story, or for our California Experience.




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