Android Development Speeds Up
The Microsoft-Sony co-venture to produce the worlds first anotomically correct human android (a/k/a: "Project BatMan") announced that they expect to have the androids available later this year, a full decade ahead of schedule.
The recent infusion of research funding from unnamed interests in the middle east, along with a standing order for 10,000 androids from various ethnic and religious sects, has spurred the companies to devote considerable effort to provide the androids as soon as possible.
"What was holding up development was the problem of android longevity" stated Bill Williams, Chief of autonomics. "Once we determined that our target market did not need the android for more
than a few hours, progress became explosive".
Williams went on to note that by turning to a "disposable android" model, they could create an all-polymer android, with a metalic content similar to a human, and capable of carrying heavy loads within the abdomen and thighs.
The first androids will be test marketed in the Persian Gulf this fall. --Staff
Paxman Found Responsible
The thirty year search for the person responsible for putting the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong has finally ended with an admission by Milton Paxman of Memphis. Paxman recounted that he
was young and dumb at the time and unaware of the long term implications of the deed.
Paxman, who refused to comment on the issue, also admitted to putting the bop in the bop-de-bop-de-bop. Both events took place in the mid 50's while Paxman was a greaser in Brooklyn NY.
While the federal statute of limitations has expired for prosecuting him on tampering with a ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, NY State authorities are looking for ways to fine Paxman and recoup part of
the millions spent searching for those responsible for the ram and the bop.
Cows Beat Dogs
For the first time this century, dogs are not considered mans best friend.
By a 78-75 vote, the Council on Mans Friends has determined that Cows are better, and therefore will claim the title "Mans Best Friend" until 2012, when another vote is taken.
"Dogs are nice, but they're not Cows" cited Phil Byrnes or Missouri. "Everyone knows cows make the best pies-- much better than dogs".
Dog groups across the country are howling at the decision and are threatening to chase any cows they come in contact with in protest. --Staff
Apple G8 Sales Explode
Sales of Apples new legacy-free G8 computer have far outpaced expectations as the public has embrace the new "keyboard free" computer.
Cited as the first crash proof computer in decades, the G8 has no keyboard or mouse, but relies on
movable beads for data input and output.
The revolutionary design has roots in ancient Mesopotamia and universally recognized reliability. The device has its own proprietary operating system which is said to surpass OS-X, Windows and all flavors of Unix. For details, visit your computer retailer.