|  | | | | | | SETI competition won!
For Darryl Miller of Oaksburg, PA, his SETI screen saver is paying off to a seven figure tune!SETI, and officials from Los Alamos labs, have validated the data from Millers screen saver as that which locates the first known source of extra terrestrial intelligence. For years the SETI prize has been sought after, without luck, by millions of computer users. "It must be the Intel inside that caused me to win"
cites Miller. "I hope they finish testing my 486 soon-- my email is piling up!". Miller, a self styled dabbler, will be on Nightline next week. Government officials have seized Millers 486 and taken it to the New Mexico lab site in order to process the data for "national security reasons". No additional information about the alien intelligence has been forthcoming, or expected soon. |
| | |  Substance Slicker than Snot Discovered
Chemists at the Portland Cement Company have accidentally developed a material that is so slick
that it appears slicker than snot."We're still not sure what it is" said Bill Neuland of PCC. "We are having trouble getting a handle on it-- it just slips out of every container we have". Apparently the material is closely related to the fine gray dust that is shipped with bags of Portland Cement and used to identify points of human contact. Further details are not available due to patent restrictions. |
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| | | | | | May 15, 2000 issue | | | |  Metric Calendar to drop March and October
In a move that surprised many, the ISO announced that both March and October will be the two months dropped in the forthcoming metric calendar. It had been widely rumored that August and September were to be dropped, however opposition from labor interests appear to have prevailed."It's a downright disgrace" commented Ian Farley, of the NY Hibernians. "Without March, St. Patrick's day will never be the same". Both ethnic Irish and Bohemian
organizations are opposed to the decision and charge that ethnic discrimination was involved. "You can't have an Octoberfest without an October" exclaimed Nute Berweise of Hamtramk, MI." ISO officials declined to comment on the decision and appear firm in their position. The worldwide conversion to the new metric calendar is scheduled for 2004. The ten month calendar (each month comprising 100 days) should cause little change to daily
life while allowing a more varied change of seasons worldwide. Once the calendar is in effect, "month creep" will allow for the eventual "White Memorial Day" and a "Thanksgiving barbecue at the beach" in the northern hemisphere. By removing the tie to climactic and solar underpinnings, southern hemisphere residents will finally be able to enjoy a "White Christmas" and warm August weather. Pundits are enthusiastic about the new calendar
system and proclaim it as the dawning of a new era of diversity. |
| | |  Lumber Exports Halted
Government officials halted all exports of lumber citing the potential use of the substance for military purposes.Citing the administrations mandate to promote peace worldwide, the US DOC has now added wood and other lumber products to the growing list of restricted exports.  "We cannot promote world peace
while exporting the tools for destruction" added James Hershey of the DOC. "Like the ball point pen (also on the list), wood has many military uses".
The lumber industry is expectedly upset over this move and has initiated research aimed at developing a non-military type of wood product that could be exported under the new ban. |
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