Senate Approves Parent Day
By an overwhelming margin, the US Senate has transformed the separate Mothers Day and Fathers Day holidays into one unigender "Parent Day".
"This is a great day for all single parents" stated Sen Lehman in todays press conference. "Finally our holidays will be in politically correct alignment".
Market reaction to this announcement was mixed, as both hardware and florist stocks took a severe beating. Stocks of stocking companies and movie rentals rallied in late day trading.
Texas - Oklahoma War Rekindled
Residents of the Oklahoma panhandle are stocking up on necessities in preparation for an expected invasion of Texans.
The recent military buildup along the Texas state line north of Amarillo has caused tensions at the state border to flare up.
Though quiet for the past 80 years, the panhandle wars have been ongoing since Mexican rule of the
area. Texans claim that the land was mistakenly made part of Oklahoma by an errant surveyor who had inaccurate equipment. Oklahomans counter that New Mexico is the western border of the state and that Amarillo and environs is properly in Oklahoma.
While not officially verified, sources report that Cuban military advisors are assisting the Oklahomans and have setup a staging base near Elk City.
Supply Chain Management Added to Curriculum
Illinois education officials have added 4 hours of instruction in supply chain management to the syllabus for all high schools in the state, at a cost of $56 billion.
This action comes as a result of a media survey that showed most people have little knowledge on the subject.
Improper supply chain management has been shown to be the #6 cause of cycling accidents over the past five years. Loose, unprotected chains are known to catch clothing and cause cycling disaster. Proper supply chain management is necessary for safe cycling.
Educators are hoping to cut cycling accidents by 0.5% by educating cyclists through this initiative.
Baseball Players Feeling Better
Major league baseball players are thinking better of themselves according to todays report on player self esteem, released by the Baseball Health Society.
The report provides proof that "Breakaway Bats', required since 1987, have had the desired effects on the players. The specially designed bats were meant to reduce the inequality between sluggers and players who have difficulty hitting long balls.
Breakaway bats break when they reach 566 balls/sq in bat pressure and limit the force a batter can exert when hitting a ball.
It was discovered in the mid 80's that player dementia was increasing due to the despair many players had with less than optimum batting performance. By reducing the batting averages of the best batters through the use of breakaway bats, this dementia has been reduced.
The report goes on to suggest that the breakaway
point of the bats be reduced to 480 balls/sq inch which would cure "slugger-envy syndrome" and make all players equally capable at batting. The lower break point would limit sluggers to a midfield bunt at best.
MLB officials will review the new recommendation, and whether to implement gyroscopically guided ball technology, in their mid season standards meeting. --Staff
Californians To Bathe Weekly
Facing critical water and power shortages this summer, the California legislature has enacted new
regulations limiting Californians to a maximum of one shower or bath per week
The move, aimed at conserving precious water, will also conserve electricity as less electrically heated water will be used for bathing.
The new law takes effect on Memorial Day and will continue until Thanksgiving. Residents of the state are stocking up on cologne and clothespins in preparation for a hot stinky summer. --Staff