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Toddlers Crying for Toys!

Ever since the implementation of UN order 45-442 (the New World Order Toy Safety Act) that deems 99% of all toys unsafe for children under 3 years old, infants and toddlers have been spending more and more time crying and less time playing.

"My infant is uncontrollable" says Molly Springville of Atlanta. "He will not sit still until I give him a toy to play with-- but everything is marked unsafe for children under 3 years old-- what am I to do".

Molly is not alone in her quest for a suitable safe toy.   The new law requires all toys NOT marked for 3 year olds and up to pass a rigorous bank of tests-- so far, none have.  Law makers expect the problem to worsen as this summer the foodstuff provision of the act will kick in and make it nearly impossible to find approved food for the infants.  For example, grits will be outlawed for toddlers, as they may put it in their eye, causing corneal abrasions and blindness.

Detractors of the new regulations are quick to point out that the implementation of the full suite of child safety laws will ultimately make it illegal to raise a child at all.   While not denying this as his goal, Wilbert Myers, original sponsor of the act, has been an outspoken critic of humanity and its effects on the planet. Myers claims that every additional human born on the planet is a natural disaster equal in scope to the great flood. 
Film at eleven after the game...

Extortionists are resorting to Voodoo dolls to keep politicians in line.

Bob Barr Faces Extortion Charge

Popular Georgia politician Bob Barr denies having any part in the democratic extortion ring that has targeted him in a recent attempt to blackmail politicians into voting their way.

While he declined comment, Barr is reported to have voted his conscience on issues  and thus became the target of vicious attacks.  Word of his using words at an Atlanta parking garage were spread widely in media reports.

Democratic lawmakers report that while there is no proof of their use of extortion, the results of its use have been very fruitful for the party.  The recent actions of Sen Ben Jeffers of Vermont is a case in point.  Party officials declined to comment on the reported FBI file on Jeffers that was to be made public were he not to switch party affiliations.  Apparently the office of extortion (OOE) has grown substantially in the past eight years and is rumored to be expanding internationally. --Staff

June 1, 2001 issue

Idaho Family First Victim of Toy Act

While not even done mourning over the loss of her husband, Idaho resident JoAnne McGuckin sits in prison while her children have been taken into state custody because a neighbor saw her two year old playing with an unapproved shovel and bucket.

"Can you imagine" says Jane Phieffer, the neighbor who alerted authorities of the violation. "That poor innocent baby playing in unsterilized sand with a dangerous plastic shovel and bucket".  Phieffer goes on to recount how the other McGuckin children have been seen running without protective helmets and pads, building a tree house without a permit, and even playing with dogs!

Authorities have charged Ms McGuckin with child neglect, punishable with a minimum 10 year sentence. Her children will be separated and sent to various half-way houses in neighboring states for six month rotation amongst various foster facilities. The families dogs will be kept together as a family pack and remain with nearby relatives.  --staff

Street Hockey Closed Down

Officials in Ohio have closed down a street hockey league because their players were particicpating in the sport without wearing protective nose guards.  

"While the nose guard requirement may be only three weeks old, dangerous activitiy cannot be allowed to continue", says Mabel Paultry, concerned local resident.

Street Hockey players reportedly are giving up the sport, citing that they spent the last of their allowances buying the helmets, knee pads, arm pads, butt pads, eye protection and neck braces as required under the old laws.  "If we have to wear any more protective gear, it will cease to be any fun" cited Jane Roberge, hockey player.

More news as we see fit to report-- staff

 

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