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Nuclear War --
"Not So Bad"

According to a study released by the govt Office of Strategic Planning, the impact to the USA of  nuclear war outbreaks overseas,  may have some good points.

"Radioactive fallout has been known to kill certain bacteria" says Dr Lee Abrams, co-author of the report.   "Foodborne pathogens pose little threat after exposure to radiation, making food stay good on the shelf much longer".

The report goes on to note that increased radiation levels has been shown to cause various crops to grow to mammoth size,  a boon to farmers.

Additionally, the long term effects of nuclear fallout is expected to decrease cases of teen pregnancy,  eliminate crabgrass, and kill mold and mildew.

Economically, once the initial firestorm passes, expect a surge in iodine futures and pharmaceuticals.  Additional growth would be expected in skin care products while sales of Cyalume sticks would drop significantly. Social Security claims would be expected to diminish.

Of concern, however, is the chance of urban juveniles developing thick crusty "Turtle-like" shells with a greenish tinge. Researchers have documented a few cases of this "Ninja" mutation in the 80's, though it has not been seen since.

In a related story, FEMA has stated that the government will protect all citizens from any nuclear fallout. 

A special squadron of F4D jets has been outfitted with a device to seed radiation clouds with particles of silver, in hopes of doing some good.   Citizens are warned that it is against federal law to take measures of self protection or survival. Fallout/bomb shelters have been eliminated from building codes and deemed ineligible for zoning. 

The government is your friend. Even radiation clouds (will) have silver linings. --Staff

It's what's for dinner!

June 1, 2002 issue

"I Once Was an M&M"
- Herbie,
California Raisin

In his autobiography, Herbie, the lead California Raisin, admits that he was once an M&M but drug and alcohol abuse led to his shriveling and wrinkling.

"If only I had taken care of myself when I was young", cites Herbie.  "Kids don't know how lucky they are to have a smooth hard shell".

In his autobiography, Herbie recounts his youth as a shiny M&M and how fame got the better of him.  He recounts various stories of his years in rehab, and how, he almost became a pit at the hands of an unscrupulous lighting technician on the TV set.

Herbies story is a tasty morsel from the life of a personified foodstuff.  Available now at

Rainbow End Found

While rumors have abounded of their being a "pot of gold" at the rainbows end, it wasn't until this week when Dr Samuel Nirch became the first to ever actually reach the end of the rainbow, and discover what truly is there.

"It's an old bag of nuts" exclaimed Nirch, in a disgusted tone. "Nothing but an old leather sack with shelled peanuts in it--- no gold, no pot-- just nuts!"

Nirch is rightful in being outraged, as over the past seventeen years of searching he has spent over $400,000 in the endeavor to finally procure that legendary "pot of gold".  His expeditions has taken him to six continents and 42 countries.  He finally reached the end in Arizona, US, about 35 miles west of Tucson. --Staff

Libyan Beachland

Tourism officials in Libya will soon be flooding the media with ads to promote beachgoing vacationers to visit their miles and miles of sandy beach.  Entitled "Libyan Beachland", they make note of the country as having great Mediterranean shoreline, and beaches that are the deepest in the world.  "You can walk for months without leaving the beach", exclaimed a happy visitor in one of the ads. "It must be miles between terrorists here."

Tourism by westerners to Libya has been down for the past decade and Libyan officials hope the new ad campaign will lure Americans to their miles of dunes, landmines are extra.  --Staff




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