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Botanists Research Stem Cells

Why common weeds grow much faster than cultivated plants has mystified botanists for years.

The cause of fast weed growth may finally be known, thanks to recent research using dandelion stem cells.

Dandelions, known to grow from seed to blossom overnight, have the most active stem cells known. The dandelion stem has been clocked at a record 1" per hour growth, making it an ideal subject for stem cell research.

To date, dandelionists have been able to artificially impregnate dandelion eggs in an effort to create a variety of the plant that is able to propagate in space.  Dandelion leaves, while bitter, are considered the vegetable of choice amongst astronauts, and will be counted on to be successfully grown on the new International Space Station.  --Staff

July 15, 2001 issue

Sears Unveils Harder Side

As an expected sequel to the popular "Softer Side" campaign, mega-retailer Sears will start promoting it's "Harder Side" this fall.

Amongst the many offerings will be a new line of bed sheets and casual clothing made of long lasting hardware cloth.  While hardware cloth has not commonly been used in clothing, the fact that it lasts years longer than denim, and provide good back and leg support, make it an ideal material for hard working clothing.

The new BobV(TM) designer bedding purports that the 1/2" mesh hardware cloth sheeting provides unmatched back support and shielding from harmful electromagnetic fields. --Staff

After nearly twenty years, Ford Motors has reintroduced the Maverick.

Ford, trying to cash in on the retro-car popularity, plans to put Mavericks back into their showrooms this fall.  Senator McCain of Arizona has signed on to be the spokesman for the new model. The 2002 Maverick will be much like the original 1969 model but with numerous political corrections added in. Rumors abound that the car will be offered at the original Maverick price-- just $1,995!  --Staff

Family Values At Record High

While the stock market may be at a low, family values have been at or near record highs during the past few months.

"It's purely a case of supply and demand" says Bill Nieharth, president of the NY Family Market. "Functional families are becoming rare and hence, more valuable".

The statistics agree, while there has been a meteoric rise in the availability of dysfunctional families, the shortage of functional families has reached the extreme stage.

Researchers have concluded that the glorification of dysfunctionality, as promoted by Hollywood and the media, has not had the desired effect of liberalizing the definition of a functional family. Therefore not raising the value of a classic dysfunctional family by reclassifying them as functional.

Lawmakers are likely to take the issue into their own hands via HR 34.4, presently in committee, which will set fixed values on both functional and dysfunctional families.  While the measure may improve dysfunctional family values, it is seen as a quagmire for the few functional families, as their values will be forced lower by government mandate.   --Staff




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