Ohio Sued Over Dirt
For Millie Oberman, the dirt behind her home is more than just a yard, it's a choking hazard for her 16 month old son.
Joshua, Millies inquisitive 16 month old, was recently hospitalized for choking on a handful of dirt he had swallowed while playing in the yard.
Doctors at Lima Memorial Hospital concur that Joshua has sustained permanent intestinal problems, likely leading to excessive flatulation in adulthood, due to his ingestion of a mere handful of the loamy clay soil.
Mrs Oberman isn't alone in suing her state government, similar cases are on the books in
Connecticut, Georgia and Maryland. Tort liability precedents clearly exonerate both Joshua and Millie from any responsibility, and place the blame on the nearest governing body or large corporation.
If the Obermans are successful in their case, and the odds are good they will succeed, they stand to receive upwards of twenty million.
In related news-- Pacifiers have been recalled due to the potential of children to place them in their mouths-- and possibly choke on them. -- Staff
Mackinaw Bridge declared
This year the winner of the prestigious "Engineering Wonder" award goes to the Mackinaw Bridge linking the two peninsulas of Michigan.
Architectural pundits have long been in amazement of the bridges revolutionary construction. "I don't know how it stays up" says Bill Everhart of the ASMEE. "Nobody really believed that paper mache could withstand the great lakes".
In celebration of the award, tolls on the bridge have been doubled and the speed limit reduced through September.
August 1, 2000 issue
US Mint offers color bills
On the heels of the rousing popularity of the hand painted dollar coins, the US Mint today announced plans to market fully colorized Twenty dollar bills.
The new bills are expected to be available in the spring for only $65 each, or $399 in special five packs of genuine recycled paper.
The process of colorizing the bills is not new, home workers will color in the presidents with felt tip pens-- much as pranksters have done for years. Artistic people interested in working at home should contact the US Mint for a free sample package of bills to colorize.
Casket Stocks Soar!
With talk of the death tax being abolished by presidential front runner George W Bush, Wall
Street is seeing a rush on caskets and other mortuary service businesses.
"Taxes always keep demand down" said Hon. E. Birch of the Woods institute. "Whenever a tax is lifted, demand goes through the roof, why should death be any different?".
Expectations of a run on granite have already tripled its price. Daimler-Chryslers introduction of the PT-Hearse has already surpassed all projections.
On the other end of the spectrum, stocks of advanced live support equipment manufacturers
have plummeted as have those of elderly long term care facilities. -Staff
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